i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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