Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
