I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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