Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
