I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
