Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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