I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I have aggressive nipples.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
