So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
