Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
