I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
