I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
