her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
