today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Randomize
