No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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