Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Success! We fucked roommates!
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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