He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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