As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
