I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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