News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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