I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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