I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
