If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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