Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Randomize
