At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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