Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
