Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
This baby is an asshole
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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