you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
