Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
