When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
