Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
