one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Your cock deserves a montage
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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