Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
