My Higher Power is John Stamos
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I had to cum in my sink.
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