If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Randomize
