Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
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