My nipple is on Facebook.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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