Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
You are the jesus of drinking
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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