I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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