Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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