oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
