Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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