I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
