I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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