btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I stole a fireplace last night.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
