when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
