made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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