White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
