we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
