Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
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