Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
